Oh that’s putting it mildly.

It feels like some sort of cosmic prank, bringing back the dead and thrusting them back into my life.  It isn’t the first time.  No… the third.  But this one…

The Baron has always had a place in my heart that I… denied.  I denied him because of the Rogue, because of Aanson and it turns out that he is the one to prove true?

Dammit, why?  Why?  Everything was falling into place.  Everything.  Goals were being met, bridges made, I would have had myself secure and now I’m… I’m turning to these pages like a silly girl .

I’m so confused.  Love.  What a word to bring up at a time like this.  Is that what it is? (Gods above, listen to me.  Do I love him? Why am I asking such things?  Petty.  Beneath me to even worry about…)  And yet tonight… that  meeting in the baths should not have happened.  Hell all I need is to find out a month from now that I’m pregnant AGAIN.  I… I don’t think I’d put it past him to use that to snare me all over again.

He’s changed so much.  He’s not the same man.  He’s… he’s something better, if that’s possible and dammit, yes I love him.  There.  I said it.  I love him and by the Gods I want so desperately to hate him.  One reason… anything.  Anything that I can cling to to prove that he’ll be no different…

The mage will probably never forgive me if he finds out I’m feeling this way.  But then again, he’ll probably just go fuck that new pet of his and magic her up a bit to make me jealous.   Faithfulness has hardly been our way.

It’s so much easier that way.